Note to self

"Dear jamie,

The only justice is love. Just let it go. You don't have to write back. You don't have to explain. This is not about being right. There is something true in the song that you can't stop listening to. You don't feel at home anywhere, but you feel at home when Aaron sings that song. Someone calling you a criminal does not make you a criminal, just as someone calling you a hero does not make you a hero. Nobody gets to name you. Find your identity in the one true place. If someone gives you something and then takes it back - that's okay. If someone says something or sees something, and then they don't - it's okay. Do not be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don't live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing. Hope.

And God must be a pretty big fan of "today", because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day. Today is the best place to live.

These things deserve your attention: Your family, your friends, the people you will meet today, the strangers with their stories. "We are all in this together." It is absolutely true. That girl with cancer in her stomach and chaos in her mind. She's with us. That guy with tears in his eyes and ghosts in his heart. He loved her, and you could see it. You could see it, and you told him it wasn't his to carry. You told him about grace, and you told him about the song. And you believed it. You were certain of it. So if it's true for him, then isn't it also true for you?

Wake up. You're alive.

Your Friend,
jamie

PS: And that thing… I know you think about it a lot. I know you don't know what to do with it. It does not define you. It never did. Then or now. You can wear it around your neck. You can throw it to the sea. It doesn't matter. It's not your name. You are free."

I can't tell you how many times I've read this blog entry on Jamie's(To Write Love On Her Arms) myspace and how amazed I am at how I can relate so much to something written about and for another person. But it always always always helps me just put things into perspective and get through whatever it is that I'm going through at the time(which seems to be a lot these days). But I love him for writing it and sharing it with us. :)

And without you is how I disappear

So last night I was pissed and decided that I should write an entry on here so I could vent. And of course, my internet went out as soon as I logged in to blogger. It was basically going to be about me and all the money problems I'm having as usual and all that stuff. So I go to bed, still pissed and I wake up unusually early. That being 9am. It might not seem early, but for me, especially on the weekend(unless I'm going to a show), that is very early. So I'm up and I decide to check the space, because that's what I do when I first wake up(sad I know). And I see all these "R.I.P. Casey" bulletins and I'm like WTF?? So I go read a bulletin from To Write Love On Her Arms and basically find out that Casey from Hawthorne Heights has passed away.

I think I read the bulletin about 3 times before I actually got it. Then I went to Absolute Punk to see what they said, and sure enough Jason had posted an entry about it too. Now at this point I'm still in utter disbelief and the more I read things the more I kept telling myself that this couldn't be true. I finally went to Hawthorne Heights myspace and read their blog(which was the same thing that everyone had been posting) and I just broke down.

I've been a fan of Hawthorne Heights for about 3 years now. The first time I saw them was at Warped Tour and I bought their cd the next day. I don't think it left my cd player for months. I met them at that Warped and then I met them again at a special acoustic show they played at The Loafing Leprechaun. They're probably some of the nicest guys I've met. And Casey had such a big personality and fun and kind spirit that just drew people to him. I remember talking to him and Eron about how I won their shirt because I was the only one who knew all their names. And as they were leaving I asked Casey for a picture and he said "Of course!!!" and put down all his stuff and came over and took the picture with me. And I just remember thinking, god he's really excited to take a picture with me.

It wasn't until I got to college that anyone had ever given me slack for liking Hawthorne Heights(probably because no one I hung out with listened to them). At first it really hurt my feelings, because they were a band that meant a lot to me for various reasons. Then it just started to get on my nerves because I was tired of having to defend myself about why I like them. And then I didn't care anymore. I had to realize that everyone's not going to like the same artists and bands as me.

Just going back and reading what I just wrote makes it seem like the whole band is gone or something. But they're not. It just that Casey was a huge part of the band that can never be replaced and they aren't ever going to be the same again. Whether or not they decide to go on is up in the air. I hope they do decide to keep going, but if they don't I'll totally support them 100%.

I'll never understand why God does these things. I don't see the point. And the more I think about it the more my heart hurts. This is going to be an interesting week. I can't even begin to imagine what his family must be going through and what the band is going through. To spend everyday with a person and then wake up and they're gone. I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

I just feel so lucky and honored to have seen Casey play live those few times and to have had the opportunity to meet him. He was such a wonderful person and I'm sure changed the lives of many.

Casey Calvert (1981-2007)