Want!

The complete series of ThunderCats on DVD.

If you love me, you'll buy me this.

:)

We are all in the gutter but some of us are looking at the stars.

-Oscar Wilde

Before you can grow up, you must fall in love 3 times.

Once you must fall in love with your best friend, ruining your friendship forever. This will teach you who your true friends are, and the fine line between friendship and more.

Once you must fall in love with someone you believe to be perfect. You will learn that no one is perfect, and that you should never be treated as any less than you deserve.

And once you must fall in love with someone that is exactly like you. This will teach you about who you are, and who you want to be.

And when you’re through with all that, you learn that the people who care about you the most are the ones that you hurt, and the ones that hurt you are the ones that you needed the most. But most of all, you learn that love is only a concept and is not something that can be defined, it is different to each person that experiences it. And you will learn to respect each and every person on this earth, knowing that everyone only wants to be loved.

I don't know what to title this entry...

This blog has become so fucking depressing lol. But I guess it's my inner feelings that I would never/can't tell people. It's way cheaper than therapy anyway. I usually feel better after I blog, so I guess it's serving its purpose.

I'm going to start another blog soon that will be dedicated to the two things I love the most:

Music & Baking

That is what's keeping me sane at the moment.

And I'd rather not interdisperse it with this blog.

I'll keep this my emo blog haha.

Maybe one day I'll be truly happy again and this will become my happy/fun blog.

But until then...

:(

I've never had someone be so mean to me in my entire life.
And I don't know why.
It hurts so much to not understand how someone could hate me so much.
And I honestly don't know what I did.

I feel like such a horrible person.

And apparently I am.
And I can't do anything right.
And nobody cares about me.

But I'm going to continue to love and just never expect it back.

Because this is twice now and I can't take it anymore.

I just want to fucking be happy.

Confession #12

I wish you could at least act like you give a damn. Geeze.

Over the summer I was your "baby" and now talking with you is like pulling teeth. You know it would be nice if you called me once in a while. And I absolutely love how our conversations never last more than 3 minutes anymore. If we make it to 5 minutes then it's been a good night.

Why can't it be like summer again?

I don't understand why I am only allowed a few months of happiness at a time with people.

It seems plenty of guys want to fuck me, but none of them want to actually date me.

That makes me feel oh so wonderful.

Thanks guys.

Confession #11

I just want someone to hold hands with.

I want a love like this.

Confession #10

I'm just some stupid girl you met on the internet.

I'm just some stupid girl that fell in love.

I'm just some stupid girl that takes love too seriously.

I'm just some stupid girl that has too many feelings.

I'm just some stupid girl that doesn't mean anything to anyone.

I'm just some stupid girl.

Confession #9

Nobody loves me and neither do I.

it's a fact.

ask around.

Confesson #8

I almost went through with it Friday night.

It was fucking scary.

But I called Hope and she talked me out of it.

There's too much worth living for.

I'll continue to focus all my energy on love and making sure those around me feel loved.

I just have to remember to Be Calm.

It'll be okay and I'll be okay.

Be Calm.

As I walk through the streets of my new city
my back feeling much better, I suppose
I’ve reclaimed the use of my imagination
for better or for worse, I’ve yet to know
but I always knew you’d be the one to understand me,
I guess that’s why it took so long to get things right.
Suddenly I’m lost
On my street
On my block

Oh why, Oh why
Oh why haven’t you been there for me?
Can’t you see, I’m losing my mind this time?
This time it’s for real, I can see

The tops of trees are turning red
The beggars near bodegas grin at me
I think they want something
I close my eyes, I tell myself to breathe

and be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes.
Be calm.

I’m scared that everyone is out to get me.
“These days before you speak to me you pause.”
“I always see you looking out your window.”
“After all, you lost your band, you left your mom.”
Now every single crack, every penny that I pass,
says I should either leave or pick it up
But with every single buck I’ve made
I’m saddled with bad luck that came

the moment I was baptized
or when I found out one day I’m gonna die
if only I could find my people or my place in life
and when they come a’carolin’
so loud, so bright, the theremin
will lead us to a chorus
where we’ll all rejoice and sing a song that goes:

Oh be calm.
Be calm.
I know you feel like you are breaking down.
I know that it gets so hard sometimes,
Be calm.
Take it from me, I’ve been there a thousand times.
You hate your pulse because it thinks you’re still alive
and everything’s wrong
It just gets so hard sometimes
Be calm.

I don’t remember much that night,
Just walking, thinking fondly of you
Thinking how the worst is yet to come
When from that street corner came a song
And I can’t remember the man,
The panhandler or his melody.
The words exchanged had far exceeded any change I’d given thee.

Confession #7

My Chemical Romance saved my life.

Literally.

Summer before senior year of high school I went through a major depression and basically felt like there was nothing worth living for. It was more than an emo moment. A lot more.

A combination of "Bullets" and "Three Cheers" is what stopped me.

Gerard Way almost went through with it and the band saved his life.

And his band saved mine.

He said that life is too fucking precious and I believed him.

Now I try to live my life for others so no one else will ever have to feel like I did. I don't ever want anyone to feel like they've got nobody or that no one cares for them.

Ever.

Confession #6

If I ever make it to England I'm pretty positive I won't come back.

There is absolutely nothing here for me.

Nothing.

Confession #5

Apparently I'd rather be with someone that treats me like shit than be alone.

I wish I could have the strength to just be alone, but I don't.

I don't want to be alone.

I'm pretty pathetic.

Honestly.

Confession #4

I have no idea what I want to do with my life after college. I still feel like I'm not good at anything worth while.

Confession #3

Sometimes I feel sad that my dad has to live alone. His wife moved back to California with my 2 little sisters and she's been out there for a while so I'm pretty sure she's going to divorce him.

But then sometimes I don't feel sad because if he treated her the same way he treated my mom, then he had it coming.

He's never been a good father to myself or my little sister Ashley, but we're older so it doesn't affect us now as much I think. I just worry about Milan and Thalia. They're 5 and 2 years old. They are probably going to have to go through the same things Ashley and I went through with him. Basically him not being there for us. And I don't want them to have to go through that. They're too young now to realize it, but it's going to affect them in the long run.

My mom blames the fact that he didn't have a dad growing up as to why he's not a good father. He doesn't know how to be one.

But I think that's bullshit. There are plenty of men who didn't have dads and they're good fathers. You would think that he wouldn't want to make the same mistake with his kids. But I guess not.

This has defintiely affected me a lot more than I think I let people know, even my mom who I pretty much tell everything to.

I don't know what this means for me though. And I don't know how I'm going to handle it when I finally can't take it anymore. :/

New semester. New Classes. New Beginning.

One week of school done, about 15 more to go lol. It actually went much faster than I expected. I think I'm going to like this semester. All my classes are pretty cool I guess. Here's what my schedule looks like:

Monday:
2:30-3:20 ENGL 4330 Youtube to the Facebook Hamlet
3:35-6:35 ENGL 4640 Film as Literature (movie viewing)

Tuesday:
9:30-10:45 ENGL 3100 Intro to British Culture
11:00-12:15 ENGL 4670 20th Century British Novel
3:30-4:45 ENGL 4640 Film as Literature

Wednesday:
2:30-3:20 ENGL 4330 Youtube to the Facebook Hamlet

Thursday:
9:30-10:45 ENGL 3100 Intro to British Culture
11:00-12:15 ENGL 4670 20th Century British Novel
3:30-4:45 ENGL 4640 Film as Literature

Friday:
2:30-3:20 ENGL 4330 Youtube to the Facebook Hamlet

In addition to that, I work Monday, Wednesday, Friday from 7:30am-2pm. This is the first time in 3 years where I haven't worked nights, so it's pretty nice. Well except I don't really like the morning people very much. I don't know, it's just a different atmosphere. And I'm not very fond of getting up at 6am now haha. But you do what you gotta do right?

Oh I guess I never mentioned, I got a new job promotion. I still work at the dining hall, but I'm a clerical now, so I work in the office. I answer phones, organize the office, order supplies, run the register, and a plethora of other random tasks. It's not too exciting, but I get paid more and I don't have to wear a smock anymore haha. Now I get to wear a nifty polo. And that means I'll never have to work in the dish room ever again!

I think I'll go into more about my classes later. It's already 1am and I've got to get up at 6. And The Mighty Boosh is on. I have to watch it no matter how many times I've seen it haha.

love everybody

Confession #2

I know it's tremendously bad because of my asthma, but I like to smoke now.

The smell of cigarette smoke has always been a comfort to me for some reason. I think it stems from the million of times I've been to The Masquerade and always leaving smelling like smoke.

Brings back good memories.

I do hate the way it makes my fingers and hair smell.

But I don't see myself stopping anytime soon.

Confession #1

I've based my whole life around the concept of love and loving everyone. And I do.

But it hurts so fucking much when you love everyone, yet nobody loves you.

I need it too.

Seriously.

He writes good storylines, he's got those honest eyes

William Beckett- The Academy Is

Nobody's perfect.

But if I had to pick someone who comes close in my mind, it would be William.

Stutter and all.

If I could meet someone half as amazing as him I would be content.

"He's got a decent voice, he's got that crooked smile.

Hold on, you haven't heard the best yet.

He writes good story lines, he's got those honest eyes.

So take him home for just $9.95.

He'll sing the songs you like, he'll keep you warm at night."

-Classifieds

Sometimes I need to be reminded...

It's just like him
To wander off in the evergreen park
Slowly searching for any sign
Of the ones he used to love..

He says he's got nothing left to live for
(He says he's got nothing left...)
And this time I think you'll know..

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

She's just like him
Spoiled rotten
Confused by the lies she's been fed
And she's searching for no one..
(But herself)
Her eyes turn to green and she seems to be happy
That she is here
And this time I think you'll know...

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out

(There is more to know)

We're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
You will live to tell...
(So tell me)

You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
You can make it out
(Make it out)
You will live to tell
(Live to tell)
You're not alone
There is more to this, I know
(And I know)
You can make it out
You will live to tell..

You are not alone.
You're not, you're not alone.

-Saosin

Like a Virgin...

I love this picture.

Who doesn't love Madonna circa 1984?

Four years before I was born.

"Fuckin shit up since 1988"

Describes me in a nutshell.

I need that on a shirt or something.

Last night was horrible and tonight isn't any better.

I really just want to get fucked up tonight.

But I think it's kinda sad getting drunk by yourself.

And on the other hand, I don't really care.

Plus lately I'm always by myself.

"You're not an alcoholic if you're in college."

We Dreamt In Heist

I know I said that my account of the Paolo Nutini concert would be my next post(meaning this one). But not yet. I'll probably do it tomorrow when I'm in a better mood.

I've been in a weird mood all day. I guess it started this morning. I had a horrible dream last night that one of my friends, Josh, was in a car accident and hurt really badly. I was so upset in the dream that I actually started crying and I was crying so hard that it woke me up. My pillow was soaked with tears. I saw Josh at work today but I didn't want to tell him about the dream. I don't know, I guess I thought it would be weird if he knew I that I dreamt about him.

I know I would be upset dreaming about anyone I know getting hurt, but I wasn't so sure as to why it affected me so much that it was him. But then I realized that he's pretty much the only guy friend that I have that I trust enough to let my guard down around. That's pretty big for me because I have extreme trust issues when it comes to men...always have. I'm really comfortable when I'm around him and I've never felt like I've had to question his motives with our friendship. But I'm almost positive that he doesn't know/realize any of this. And I don't think I would ever tell him. I don't want to make things weird.

But I appreciate him sooo much. He's definitely one of the nicest, most caring guys I've ever met. He's an absolute gentleman and so considerate. He's quite interesting too. He's a film minor, so I love talking to him about movies and he's so knowledgeable about old classic movies, which I love. And we've got similar tastes in music so that's always fun to talk about.

His girlfriend is definitely one lucky girl, but I just feel so lucky to have him as a friend.

So I guess that's why I got so upset in the dream. I care about his friendship so much that I couldn't handle losing it. And he's pretty much the only guy in my life that I completely trust(even more than my dad). I feel like I sound really selfish right now, but when you don't have many guy friends, let alone ones that are true friends, you want to hold on to those that are.

It's going to suck when he graduates in December...well not for him, I know he's ready to be done lol. I just hope this doesn't effect our friendship too much. I don't think I could handle losing someone else.

"It's like a Punk Rock Summer Camp" Warped Tour 09

Yesterday seriously felt like the longest day ever! But it was definitely worth it. I haven't had such a good day/amazing time in forever. It's definitely what I needed to take my mind off all the bullshit that's been going on lately. I only hate that it had to end. But anywhoo, on with the details :)

First off, I had to wake up at 5am to leave by 6. I needed to be at the venue by 8:30am and it takes about an hour and a half to get to Atlanta from Athens. With that, it left us an hour and a half to deal with traffic and getting lost. It doesn't matter how many times Ashley and I go to the HiFi Buys Amphitheater we always get lost. Always haha.

**Oh, side note. So I had my alarm set to get up at 5 but I didn't even need it because my "friend" Alex decides to call me...WTF?? Apparently he was in Wal-Mart and decided, hey how about I call Kristen right now. He had better be glad I had to get up anyway lol.**

Anyway, so we leave at 6, get breakfast at Micky Ds then get on the road. Once we got off the exit for the venue we got lost haha. We were lost for about 30 mins until we started to see band tour buses and just decided to follow them haha. Even with getting lost we still got there early, so we had to wait around. And it was already hot as balls. Around 8:45 I left Ashley(who worked with the AP tent this year) to go start helping with the Photo Finished Records tent. Rudy(the guy working the tent) had us(I also worked with Jacob & Whitney) help him finish setting up the tent and getting everything organized for the day. After everything was settled we had to go put up huge PFR banners all around the venue. Next we got some promo items that we had to pass out to the kids. They were 3OH!3 stickers, a card that had a link of a free mixtape that you could download, and some Jay Z stickers for his new album...yeah totally random haha. Doors didn't open until 11 but there was already a bunch of kids there so we went out and passed everything out. Kids loooove free stuff. Especially those damn 3OH!3 stickers haha.

I won't get into the boring parts about how much shit I had to pass out all day lol. But it was alot. So I'll just move on to the fun part...the music!


The first band I saw was The Maine. They were one of the first bands to play, they went on at like 11:15 I believe, but they still had a pretty big crowd. They were fun as usual. They did a cover of Pour Some Sugar on Me by Def Leppard. I was a bit skeptical at first, but it was pretty good. All the girls loooove John Ohh(Or "John Ohh Face" as I like to call him haha)...and I can see why, he's such a cutie.


Next I watched a local Atlanta band called Seven Story Fall. They're a pretty young band and I've been going to see them for a few years now. It's so cool to see how much they've grown and devoloped their sound from when I first started listening to them. And for a local band, they had a pretty big crowd.


Next was 3OH!3. I was sooo stoked to see them. They definitely had one of the biggest crowds. They played at like 11:55 and had the whole crowd hype! They're just so energetic and plus, who doesn't love to dance? I think what I love most about them is that they don't take themselves too seriously. They're not the next Jay Z, Lil Wayne, or T.I. And they know that. They're just out to have a good time and help the kids do the same. I didn't get to catch their whole set, but what I did see was amazing. And apparently right after they played they had to get on a plane and fly to NY to play 1 song with Katy Perry and then fly back to GA...that's crazy!


So the reason I had to leave 3OH!3 early was so I could catch Saosin. And thank God I did(not that I wouldn't have haha). They were incredible. They always are, but it had been so long since I'd seen them last, so it was a new rush. They played some new songs, which sounded great. They weren't as heavy, but they had a good groove to them, and if that indicates what the rest of the new album sounds like, I'm sure I'll love it. During one of the new songs a circle pit opened up right next to me. It always happens haha. For some reason I attract circle pits. Seriously. Anyway, they played "You're Not Alone" which is one of my favorite songs ever. It honestly makes me tear up each time I hear it live so of course it happened again. People probably just thought it was sweat lol.


Underoath was next. I feel like every time I see them it's like a religious experience. Really. And not just because they're a Christian band or whatever. The amount of intensity they put into their shows is unbelievable. I'm pretty sure they had the biggest crowd of the day. I of course was wayyy in the back lol. I can not handle an Underoath pit. Their set was amazing. I think they are one of the few bands that I could literally watch every single day and never get tired of them. Seeing them live is just something else honestly. I think that's why it's so hard for me to describe sometimes lol.


Next was a band called Settings. They're from NY but their lead singer Donny is from ATL and was in a band called Esme that I loved. So they're kinda local. They had a pretty decent crowd. The set was awesome except they didn't play one of my faves, but whatcha gonna do? And as if expected, a nice little mosh pit opened up right in front of me. I got pushed pretty hard but luckily there was a guy behind me to catch me. Ashley refuses to stand near me at shows any more haha.


I got to see a little bit of Scary Kids Scaring Kid's set. I was doing promo but as soon as I heard those synths I knew who it was and ran to the stage haha. I love those boys, especially Pouyan haha. That man has so much energy it's ridiculous. And he pretty much makes love to his keyboard which is sexy as fuck...just sayin haha.


While I was visiting Ashley at the AP tent I got to see a little bit of Bad Religions set. I've only ever seen them at Warped Tours and I know I need to see them in a proper concert setting lol. But they're fucking legendary and after all these years they still put have these bands out there to shame. And Brett mentioned Athens which got me all excited haha. I wish I could have watched the whole set.


The last band I saw was Escape The Fate. They had a huge crowd, and a lot of them were wearing ETF shirts which I still find weird haha. I only got to see like 3 songs before I had to leave but they were good. It was my first time seeing them with Craig as the lead singer. I'm still team Ronnie haha but he's in jail. I loved Craig in BlessTheFall so having him come in for Ronnie was nice for me but I know a bunch of people still hate him for that. Whatev.

Of my "must see" bands the only ones I didn't get to see were Valencia and A Day To Remember because they played after we had to leave. I bought a Valencia tank top though which is pretty sweet lol. It says Believe across the front and Valencia down on the back. I was really bummed I had to miss ADTR because I still haven't seen them live yet. Hopefully soon. But that's what happens when you work at Warped. You usually have to miss some bands that you want to see. That's why I like to go multiple days.

Over all I had an amazing time at Warped as usual. Every year I'm always so tired and sore afterwards, but I would do it all over again the next day if I could. I also decide every year that I need to somehow get on the tour lol. Honestly, getting to travel the country with a huge music festival is pretty much what I want to do with my life. There's a reason I always feel at home whenever I'm at Warped. I know it'll probably get old, but it's 100x better than anything I'm doing with my life right now. To be surrounded by music every single day would be too amazing. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it. I know it was what I'm meant to do. I just gotta make it happen some how.

I think I'll save my account of the Paolo Nutini concert for tomorrow or something. This has just been too much amazingness for me to remember for one day haha. :)

It's that time of year again!

Atlanta Warped Tour 09 is finally upon us...well it's tomorrow lol. Going to Warped is definitely the one thing I look forward to most every year. Probably almost as much as my birthday...if not more lol. The past two years I've actually worked at Warped and I'm doing the same this year.

Last year Ashley and I went to the Charlotte, NC and Atlanta dates. In Atlanta we worked with Girlz Garage and in Charlotte we worked at the AP Magazine tent. Both were amazing experiences and so much fun. A mini account of that Warped can be read here: http://uptheracket.blogspot.com/2008/07/one-of-those-nights_17.html

This year Ashley is working at the AP tent again and I'm working with Photo Finish Records at their tent. I have to be there by 8:30am to set the tent up and then probably selling merch and doing promo for any Photo Finish artists that are playing Warped. Which I think is only 3OH!3 this year. But I can't wait to do it! I always have so much fun working the tents. And maybe we'll do a signing or something. Those are always a blast to work! The only downside is that you spend most of your time working at the tents that you're bound to miss some of the bands that you want to see. It always happens, but honestly for that experience it's worth it to me.

There are so many bands playing this year that I have never heard of lol. That's pretty new for me. The list of bands playing is here And of those bands, these are the ones I want to see:

A Day To Remember ++++
3OH!3
Anti-Flag
Bad Religion
Bayside
Chiodos ++++
Escape The Fate
Every Avenue
Forever The Sickest Kids(if there is absolutely nothing else to do haha)
Hit The Lights
Less Than Jake
Saosin ++++
Scary Kids Scaring Kids
Settings
Seven Story Fall
The Maine
There For Tomorrow
Underoath ++++
Valencia ++++

I already know that I probably won't get to see half those bands, but the must see's are Saosin, Underoath, Chiodos, ADTR, and Valencia. Seeing Underoath at Warped Tour is always the best. They always have the biggest crowd/pit and it's just so intense and energetic. I always have to watch from the back though. I'm pretty tough, but an UO pit scares the shit out of me haha. So yeah, hopefully it'll all work out and I can see those bands.

I know a lot of people that are saying they're getting too old for Warped Tour, but not me. I will go to Warped every year that Kevin Lyman decides to have it. There is just something about that atmosphere that gives me a sense of belonging that I honestly don't get anywhere else. I go for the music and nothing else. In some sort of weird way, this is the scene that helped make me who I am today. I believe in the music more than anything else. The music literally saved my life. So yeah. Years from now, I'll be the old lady that all the kids are making fun of lol.

Oh!

And later that night right after Warped, which we have to leave early from, Ashley and I are going to the Variety Playhouse to see Paolo Nutini. OMFG I am sooo excited!!! I love that man oh so much and it's been 2 years since we last saw him. That also means I'll get to hear that Scottish accent that always makes me weak in the knees hahaha.

It's going to be one hell of a day!!! :)

It's like I waited my whole life for this one night

I don't know if I'll ever get married.
But if I do, this is the kind of wedding I want.
Weddings are so boring and it's always the same thing.
I think if you're spending all this money for one day, make it something memorable.

I just want a huge party really.

This video makes me so happy and helps me stay hopeful that there is someone out there for me.
Someone as random/crazy as me that would want to have a wedding like this haha.
I truly hope this couple stays together forever. :)

iBlog

Apparently absolutely nothing happened in the month of June haha. Nothing worth blogging it seems. I just worked everyday of my life. That's it.

I've had this blog for over two years now. Crazy. I went back and read through all my old posts and it was like looking into a time capsule lol. It's weird to look back on what I was going though, how I was feeling, and things I was doing. Somethings I didn't even remember until I read them.


I loved reading all my concert reviews that I would do.
And I apparently had soo many plans and goals haha.
I also feel like that person in those blogs is completely different.
But you can definitely see the change happening up to the person I am today I think.
I know nobody reads these blogs but it was definitely something I needed and still need to do.

Hmm...I think my best blog was definitely this one: http://uptheracket.blogspot.com/2008/05/i-dont-know-about-you-but-i-came-to.html

It was about my first trip to New Orleans. I love going back and reading it.
It still gets me all excited lol.

My next fave blog was this one: http://uptheracket.blogspot.com/2008/04/when-man-is-tired-of-london-he-is-tired.html

Just because I still pretty much feel the same way about everything. The only things that have changed are I've seen some of the bands on that last, and Chewy is way bigger than in that picture.

I started a new blog: http://hellokristen.tumblr.com/

That one is just as random as this, but I think I'll keep this the more personal one since I know nobody really reads it haha.

I hate...

I hate that you ended it the way you did.

I hate that you felt like you couldn't even talk to me.

I hate that I wondered what I did wrong.

I hate that I honestly think you hate me.

I hate that I honestly still feel like it was my fault.

I hate that I trusted you so much.

I hate that I told you things nobody else knows.

I hate that I let my guard down for you.

I hate that I thought you meant it when you said you loved me.

I hate that I was so stupid and naive.

I hate that deep down inside I think that you did in fact love me.

I hate that I actually loved you too.

I hate that I still love you despite everything that happened.

I hate that I still think about you.

I hate that I still dream about you.

I hate that 4 months later I'm still not completely over it.

I hate that I felt I was so right for you and you for me.

I hate that I actually started to plan my future around you.

I hate that I think nobody else will ever want me.

I hate that I know you don't give 2 shits about me now.

I hate that there's a part of me that stays hopeful.

I hate that I can't see you as the "asshole" like my friends do.

I hate that I know how awesome you are to everyone else.

I hate that I know I'm not pretty enough for you.

I hate that I know that was probably part of your reasoning.

I hate that my personality wasn't enough.

I hate that I didn't get more time with you.

I hate that your texts made my day.

I hate that the few times you called, it made me the happiest I've ever been.

I hate that this has affected me so much.

I hate that I don't want to be with anyone else.

I hate that I still don't understand why.

I hate that I'm so pathetic.

I hate that you never responded to my letter.

I hate that you don't even want to be my friend.

I hate that your friendship means so much to me.

I hate that all I ever cared about was your happiness.

I hate that we didn't get to go to New Orleans together.

I hate that you didn't get to teach me how to play basketball or pool.

I hate that we didn't get to go to a show together.

I hate that I know I could NEVER do anything to hurt you.

I hate that I made you my everything.

I hate that I know you won't see this.

I hate that I wouldn't have the guts to tell you this stuff anyway.

I hate that I'll always have this little emptiness no matter how happy I am.

I hate that I know I need to just move on, but a part of me doesn't want to.

I hate that after everything mentioned on this list, I know I could actually never hate you. And that that's a feeling that cancels out everything else.

:(

Keep The Mood

Geeze Louise someone was mad in that last post.
Hahaha....
Very rarely do I let my emotions out like that, even in blog form.
But I just had to let it out since I couldn't actually tell the person.

I pray that I'll never get that mad again.
That feeling sucks.
I just wanna be happy.
And keep the mood.

I think I'm getting sick. :(
It's probably all those late night walks in the cold lol.
But! They're working.
I've already lost like 7 pounds!

That's really exciting for me.
I'm starting to feel better and have much more energy.
I don't feel like a blob anymore lol.
But I do have a loooong way to go.

I hate that I let myself to to this point with my weight.
But it's just motivation to get back down to what I use to be.
And I've got Lauren working with me, so that helps a ton!
I'm totally doing it for myself, but I do secretly hope that someone else will notice it too.

T-15 days if things still go as planned.
And God I hope they do.
I really really really hope they do.

Honestly I will stand by your side till the end
Till the end
Honestly I will stand by your side till the end
Till the end
I offer you my loving hand till the end
-LoveHateHero

Fuck You!

I don't even have any clever song titles or lyrics to title this post.
Just simply FUCK YOU!
Because that's what I want to scream at the top of my lungs right now.
I have never in my life had somebody make me feel so horrible.
I have never felt so hurt, useless, used, shitty, worthless...
And the sad thing is, you don't even fucking realize it.

That was my biggest fear, feeling used.
Congratulations, you've made that one happen.
I am so tired of my thoughts revolving around you all day everyday, and them not making me happy anymore.
Everybody gets down/upset sometimes, that's fucking normal.
But there's no need to make others feel like shit especially when they're reaching out to you to try and help.
I'm tired of feeling like the only one that seems to care anymore.

"How's your day? How's work? How are you feeling?"
I would love to be asked these things again sometimes.

I just don't understand how things changed so fucking fast.
They went from wonderful to miserable in a matter of weeks.
How the hell did I go from falling asleep happy to crying myself to sleep??
It's so fucking frustrating trying to figure things out sometimes.
And I hate feeling this way and NEVER thought you would be the one to make me feel like this.

I don't hate you.
As a matter of fact, I love you more than anything.
And you know that.
I know that you're a good person and you've got a good heart.
And I would like to think that you would never do these things intentionally.

Why can't things just be the way they use to?
Could you please just tell me what happened to make things change so much so fast?
I care about you too much and have put way too much into this relationship.
I deserve something back at least.

I just need to know that I'm not wasting my time on something that's not going anywhere.
Because this is starting to hurt way too much and I don't know how much more I can take.
I've told you countless times that I am willing and wanting to make this work.
Obviously.
Just let me know that you are too.

I am not ready to give up on you.

God I hope this is a phase that will soon be over.
And that things are gonna change for the better for us.
You've got my heart. Remember that.